Manda-Kun

I forgot this existed. *Insert angst*

I can't say I love you anymore. I'm not sure if it's that I still talk to you because I feel sorry for what you've become, or if it's because the nostalgia for old times that meant so much to me.

I can't bring myself to draw something for you, to talk about you in public like I used to, to dream of you smiling as we hold hands.

I'm not sure if you're more alive or dead, more than ever now.

but I just can't do it.

I can't stand beside you anymore, and say, "You are mine, and I will fight for you, no matter how many miles I must walk, swim, fly. You are mine."

If I do not have all A's by the end of the year I am killing something.

Whenever I hold my cellphone, you come to mind instantly.

Some say I've known you for too long, others say not long enough.

But I remember you're a silly little man, or maybe a silly big man is a better description. Either way no one will know you as well I as I do.

You're like my cellphone, I know what buttons to push and I can name every scratch and dent that's been made to it.

I just wish I didn't have to push your buttons to make you do things I want.

Today was our last day together before Christmas. I think you were kind of thankful that it'd be a while till we talked again.
You checked my cell phone and I noticed you were mad you were under 'Wife#2' not 1.

I honestly don't think it matters. I love you both the same.

After our exam there was a class picture and what would you know, you and I are crammed together, tight against the wall, and in the sunny breeze I feel your body hotter then anything else I've felt in the longest time.

You being so near makes me want to touch the tattoo you made me draw for you in the small of your back, but I know everyone will stare funny.

So instead I put my arms around you and smile till my face hurts, the camera goes off and it's like our own little photograph, just for us to see.

I hope you don't hate me next Christmas.

You are my very special little shark.

Remember how we're no longer friends, but we have mutual friends?

I bumped into one today, Billy? Remember I had/have a crush on him, and you finally got me to tell you, and we squealed and you pinky promised you wouldn't tell?

I'm glad you didn't because I hugged him today for the first time in months. We started to talk, and I don't know how but you came up. He told me you said I hated him, and well, I never liked you speaking for me. Remember how I always spoke for you instead?

I couldn't wait till lunch. I don't even think I even remembered what I ordered. You looked up at me with those big doe eyes as Ryan held your hand. I mean, how silly after how long of not speaking, and quiet anger bubbling, to finally speak to you was like vomiting so much while having a stomach virus, that it just felt good after a while to be empty.

Don't think I didn't see when your face paled because I said we need to take a walk. I saw Ryan pale too -I think I told you about how I threatened to beat him up two years ago because he owed me money- he's still scared of me.

It was weird to see how shocked and hurt you were when I told you what Billy said, and poor Billy, he locked more shocked and hurt when we finally hunted him down.

I can't believe he's so stupid and just misheard you and caused so much more drama between us. Remember this is the first time we've ever had drama? It's kind of weird to handle it. I don't have to tolerate you like I do most people.

It was nice to sit at the table though. Billy eating that gross sandwich! Of course I was talking about how many more man points I had then him, and you were laughing along like you just had to even though it wasn't funny.

I miss you so much.

I don't miss the second you with Ryan and James and Kyle.

You should choose better boyfriends.

I notice we fight a lot when we eat dinner and lunch- never breakfast since I don't eat breakfast- but here we are fighting again.

I act like I do when I'm mad, and you know it well. I destroy my straw wrapper and mash my food that's left. I remember last year when you asked me why I destroy things when I'm angry, I told you, "It's because I create things when I'm happy. It equals out."

I didn't look up, but I knew you were watching me pick at the inside of an orange peel, scrapping the light inside off to reveal the sickly inside orange coloring that smells like cheap over powering hand soap in our bathroom. And there you go again asking the questions you always do, because after three years you never seem to know much about me -it's ok, I don't know much either- "Do you still love me?"

I know the smell is bothering you like it is me, but I keep picking. My nails will smell like it for days even after I use nail polish remover to take off the nail polish from homecoming last week. Answers have always failed me, and you know I like to show you better then answering.

And then my orange peel breaks in half. I guess I was just too hard on it.

"Sorry."

Did for Black-Avalon and hoping she'll do it for me too and I wanted to hear from Wen, Micha and Tedmo and so on. >>;

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favorite and least favorite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you re-post this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF

A BUNCH OF ART FUCKING DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR AND PEOPLE WANT THEIR SHIT AND I HAVE NO SCANNER AND I JUST FUCKING HATE DRAWING IF I COULD I'D CHEW OFF MY RIGHT HAND AND JUST SAY OH FUCKING WELL CAN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING IF I'M MISSING MY FUCKING HAND FUCK YOU

SERIOUSLY DRAWING IS THE WORST TALENT IMAGINABLE TO MAN

There's a guy who likes me and I like him (at least did). But like, anytime I give him a chance he goes into this weird stalker mode and won't give me space. So I started ignoring him, not picking up or returning calls, deleting his messages, ignoring him when he said hi at school and so on hoping he might give it a break. For like two months he hasn't stopped.

Friday at lunch I was talking to my biffle Megan-Face. For some reason she brought him up saying whenever my name was mentioned he'd go off in this repeated tangent of "SHE STOPPED FUCKING TALKING TO ME SUDDENLY AND I DON'T KNOW WHY! D<" I just kind of looked at her funny, because well, he always sounded like everything was ok when I heard him, but she made him sound so angry and hurt. Unbelievably it made me feel guilty. I mean, I did like him, but I don't want to get attached, our views on Religion get us fighting a lot and he's also going to serve the government, and I just don't want that after what happened with Raymond.

So that night I decided to text him knowing full well he doesn't have texting back and I explained about needing space in like three texts because I kept running out of room. I even told him I didn't hate him, just wanted space. Well since there it's went down hill.

I went bowling with Saynt and Focus today since yesterday got messed up for us and lo and behold he was there. We went incognito avoiding him as much as possible and hiding our faces and stuff. I wanted to say something to him, but when I like people I can't just say things, it's weak for me, and I don't like showing that weakness. Especially to guys, since I have issues with their sex. Eventually he left and I decided to grow some balls to call him tonight since I can mask my voice pretty good, it's the facial expressions I'm more worried about. I want to talk to him on the phone before I see him face to face again, but he's not picking up his phone and I'm so worried and don't know how to avoid this situation.

It sucks, I hate it, I hate him, I hate me, and I hate relationships in their entirety. They're just not worth it. > <

Going to go back to eating my sunflower seeds. ;; It's what I do when I'm depressed fuck off.

Seriously, computer doesn't matter to me much anymore. Only sad part is I can't talk to people I actually like, like Wen, Rachel and Sano. :/ NOT THAT SANO TALKS TO ME MUCH ANYWAY D<

Started some new traditions. Thursdays after clubs I head over to McDonald's with my little sisters. I usually pay, but due to a new tradition IDK if I can weekly. XD We're also bowling now on Saturdays which is fun. 8D Saynt and I are supar coordinated and can do these epic hip bump-jump to face other way-hip bump move. LAWL Well either that or booty dance on Focus. xD Either way it's loving.

I have to say though, the longest time I was sad that another wife of mine has completely betrayed me and beaten me till their was nothing left. But I can honestly gladly say, I don't miss her anymore. After a slowly declining friendship of two years, I really don't care, I'm just as happy with out her and she's the reason I don't like talking to people on the internet anymore. Friendships die on here so easily and there's usually no reason to get attached.

Oh my god though, positive note, IN JUNE I'M VISITING IRELAND AND OTHER PARTS OF EUROPE FOR 14 DAYS, SO EPIC, I AM GOING TO SEE STONEHENGE AND STUFF

I ALMOST CRIED

IT'S TOO BAD I'M NOT GOING BACK TO GERMANY

BUT AGAIN POSITIVE NOTE, NO SHIT FROM MY COUSINS

YEAYYYYYY

Time for treadmill, kthnxbai

Pathetic.

All I basically do anymore is watch Scrubs and CSI. (Although occassionally I read the actual CSI novels. Yes they really write stories about Grissom and Willows and Brown. )

Seriously, I can like, recite so much about the characters pasts, like J.D.'s son is named Sam Perry Gilligan Dorian. J.D.'s only two real fears are sharks and pennies. For CSI I know Grissom and Sidle have a fling, and Catherine used to work at a strip club. May I add that information is also only exclusively mentioned in the Sin city novel of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation by Max Allan Collins.

Not to mention lately I solve the crime before they show it in the show. ;; Some help. Give me a life. Please. Or at least a new obsession.

I opened my gaia shop again since that's where I'd been hanging out. Two of four commissions were fucking furries. xDD Since when were they on gaia?


LOL Seriously, you should see what I'm having to do. XDD

I mean, I got this lovely image from F-AYN-T on DA for getting her kiriban. I was happy excited, she did such a wonderful job. And then, as usual, the beast reared it's ugly head.

http://comments.deviantart.com/1/91030319/774471243

First comment even.

If I ever get to Kissimmee it would be so hard to not march up to her door and sock her in the face.

the funniest part is, I could understand if I had actually done something mean to her, but the only reason why she hates me so fucking much is because Gnat(Mishuku) likes me better because I'm not an obsessive, stalking, needy, whiny little slut that turns shit back on people every chance I get. God damn, she's 19. Grow the fuck up.





Oh yeah, speaking of girls that hate me. If any of you know I am really good friends with one of my old co workers. This is him, my sister Cassie (Synn on DA) and myself sitting on her.

That was the last time we saw each other together about nine months ago. (Excluding like two minutes at the mall in February I think it was)

Anyway, we got to talking on the phone like two nights ago and his girlfriend was all huffy and being a anal prude. So when we were talking yesterday she left luckily about the same time he called me and we got to serious business talking and supposidly if I come over to his house or anything she's going to start shit with me and 'kick my ass'. I find it funny though that even her boyfriend thinks I could take her. (crowbar or not) God, it was so twisted he said I could mess with her if I wanted since the relationship isn't going so well. God, if she wants to hate me I'll give her a reason to.




tl;dr

Women =

No matter how much I talk to people. I fucking hate them.

I went out today with my mother and grandmother to do some shopping. Bought a whole bunch of books and my mom was nice enough to find me a CSI novel and a CSI game for the wii. I started reading the book and it was pretty good, but I haven't played the game yet. I'm excited to play it.

I am a little upset though that I keep missing out on time with my sister. D; Our schedules are a bit off. She's suddenly turned into a night owl and me into a early bird.

But none the less I've been enjoying myself, yesterday was a CSI Las Vegas marathon on the Spike network and I got to see the first episode of Scrubs a few days ago.

Oh, most importantly, I almost forgot. My neighbor hired me as an artist for graphic designs for cars. It's pretty nifty to know I'm designing stuff that'll stay on your car for good or fuck it up. xD It's nice being I get a flat rate for each design and then commission rate for each time it's used. And how many years have I said I'd never work as an artist for a living? xDDDD

But yeah nothing epic, just some nice coasting. : 3 Bought some Salmon today too.

. . .

I can only sit in a chair and eat Munchies and Pocky for so long watching CSI and scrubs. =_______= I need to be working on my to do list and the only way to reach most of the people I owe art to is through DA. DDDDDDDDDDDDx

I have no clue how I'm going to jack shit. I didn't mind if they suspended me, but two weeks seems excessive and outrageous. Rick Astly must have raped the admin who got the report as a child. Malicious links, malicious my ass. My foot stench is more cruel then that. I dunno. I guess it gives me more time to draw for myself. >__________> I could go ballistic with that man.

Frickty frick, I just realized a contest I'd started for will be over with by the time I get unsuspended. ;; Motherfucking cunt sucker. >_____________<+

Anyone want to request anything that I can post here for you guys? ;;

Also Tedmo, I have your free chibi of Rioka I promised like two months ago sketched up, when they're done I'll post it here so you won't have to wait, and same thing for you about Breed Wen. D;

LAWLLLLLLLLL

I GOT SUSPENDED FOR TWO WEEKS FROM DA FOR RICKROLLING

YOU KNOW IF THAT HADN'T MADE THE FRONT PAGE NO ONE WOULD HAVE FUCKING CARED


ARGH FUCKING PRUDES

PULL YOUR STICK OUT YOUR ASS

MALICIOUS LINKS

THAT WAS NOTHING

I WOULD LIKE TO UNLOAD A SHOCK FOLDER ON YOUR VIRGIN EYES

I keep forgetting I have this damn site.

But since my friend Tedmo is leaving DA for a bit and I wanna keep up with her I'm going to be here more too, and hopefully keep up with it.

I know one thing, I am definitely going to fix up this profile. It's so dark and boring. It needs bright colors and hearts. x3